1. You are allergic to pollen
Just the fact that you spend 6 months of the year crying non-stop while you live in the center of Paris, it’s safe to say that nature will get the better of you before you even have time for eternity… AAAAAA… ahhh… AAAACHUM . Oh, it’s too late.
2. If there is a mosquito nearby, it will definitely be for your apple.
In spring, summer, autumn or winter, in the city center or in the middle of nowhere (for example … in Limoges?) you will be bitten. In the middle of the forehead. At the intersection of fingers. Under your feet. In short, what fun! Thank you, sticmous (meaning a mosquito on a verlan).
3. You only know how to sleep in complete darkness and complete silence.
I’m sorry to tell you, but… You can be the ace of the salon… Your little makeshift house will have no shutters or double glazing. So… In addition to light and noise, it is also an open door (or window) for mosquitoes and pollen. I’m not redoing the drawing for you, just forget about it. It’s not for you, that’s all.
4. You spend 45 minutes in the shower a day (but at least urinate in it)
In nature, this is a difficult path. For the soul, it will be icy waterfalls, mud-filled lakes or frozen rivers. Much greener than your three-quarter-hour shower, but still far less pleasant. However, the good news is that you can continue to urinate at the same time! Apart from a slight rise in temperature, this limits water consumption and is good for the planet. This story is not so bad, yupiiiiii!
5. You only buy three-ply toilet paper
Since we’re on the topic of “pee poop” (my favorite), you’ll surely be pleased to know that in the middle of the jungle, you’ll have no choice but to use a small leaf of bamboo or palm. In the mountains beware of nettles! It can quickly become… Rumbling?
6. You are afraid of pigeons in Paris
So, hey… I don’t want to underestimate you, but chances are snakes (and reptiles of all kinds), insects, owls that sing in the middle of the night, spiders… But? Nope! Why are you running away? Wait a minute, I’m not done yet!!
7. You regularly twist your ankle while walking around the city.
I know… A small step on the sidewalk. Horrible. But imagine in the middle of nature… Holes in the ground, roots sticking out of the ground, small slippery pebbles or large stones in the middle of paths. No, really. Out of respect for your little feet, don’t go there. It’s too dangerous.
8. You can’t spot any constellation in the sky.
“Follow, follow, star of the bergyir,” he sang. Yes, okay, yes. But what is an evening star? Which one shines the most? But it’s not the pole star, is it? How is it the same? Oh, I don’t understand. In any case, from the moment you call Ursa Major something that has a saucepan neck…
9. When you gather food in the wild, you always trust your instincts.
“Oh, but that little red and white mushroom is so cute”, “Mmmm, those little red berries are too appetizing”, “Oooh, but those little black berries are too cute too.” Yum-yum, a good salad, from which immediately to the hospital!
10. You don’t sit on the grass without a little towel under your ass.
Because “I don’t want to get dirty”, and “it’s not convenient”. Okay champion, where are you going to sleep in the middle of nature? On a cozy little mattress? Spoiler: NO. At best, it will be grass. Worst case, dirt. Sand (which will slide into all corners of your body). Or worse, you won’t sleep anymore because of the monsters in the forest.